My cup

The cup wants to be full yet nothing seems to fill the cup. 

The glass is half full or half empty.  We’re all heard this quote.  It can only hold so much before it is full.   As I look at my cup I feel that it is half empty and spend hours trying to figure out to make it full.  Everyone else’s cup is full why can’t my cup be full?  How do I make my cup full?  I’ll spend hours trying to create a full cup, only to look down and see a half full cup.  I take a look at the cup for holes.  Nope, no holes. Why can’t my cup be full?  I know I’ll do this or that.  It’s got to make the cup full.  I look back down, excited to see a full cup only to be confronted with a half empty cup.  So the cycle begins. 

No there are still no holes.  Things are still in there.  So why is ‘my’ cup not full?  I want a full cup.  It will complete me.  Today I have finally taken a calculated look at this cup.  The problem is that I have lost emotionally ties for the things in the cup.  I feel nothing. I sit with my cup; and my mind says that the cup is not full and it must it be full.   I close my eyes and tears fall.  My mind replays my failures so loud I can’t see past it.

Yet today a strange voice can be heard.  It’s the voice of reason.  I look back down at my cup only to realize that my cup is not only full but also running over.  How did this happen?  Yesterday it was half full.  Now it’s overflowing and I’m in recovery mode.   Slowly I begin to realize that I’m drowning.  I’m drowning.  How did this happen?  It was half full yesterday. 

Like a flashback my mind plays images of the things that I have put in the cup.  Slowly I notice that I haven’t taken anything out.  I complete one task and add two or three others in place.  I’ve put more in this cup that it can hold. 

Today I realize that I need to stop adding things.  I need to take all the things that are in the cup out and take another look at what I’m putting in it.  Realizing my true needs versus my wants.  So as the month of March begins I will be taking the time to take things out and a long hard look at the things that I put in. 

Here are the things I know without a doubt will stay in the cup:

1)   Paying down my debt and creating a catch up retirement plan

2)   Day Zero Project

3)   French

4)   Downsizing and transferring to a greener lifestyle

5)   Photography

September Is Filled With Personal Challenges

As September begins I have created a series of challenges that I would like to try. If you've read any of my posts then you know that I consume my time worrying about work and finances. So this month is about me and ways to streamline. Here's the list of challenges.

1. TV (just posted part 1
   
2. Fitness
   
3. Cooking
   
4. Simplifying my home décor
   
5. Modification of my homes (hopefully the final stages)
   
6. Zazen
   
7. 
   
   Road Trip lists

FITNESS:

So I have come to the conclusion that I have been half stepping in my fitness. I plan on creating a real workout plan that will follow for as long as I can. My problem with most fitness programs is that I start them get motivated then lose interest. So this month I'm looking to focus on my running (as my physical fitness test is in October). With the following month focused on updating upper body workouts. November will focus on biking, with December figuring out how to put it all into one three month program. Currently I am at 157, which is a loss of a couple of pounds in the last months. But no where I want to be; hence why it's on my Day Zero list.

COOKING:

I can't cook. No really a college freshman has more cooking skills that I do. I will begin slowly with picking recipes for the first two weeks of the month, as I will be traveling for work. This should give me time to learn to plan meals for the week. Currently I buy food and make a couple of meals for the put them in the frig, and then spend half the week forgetting my lunch or looking at the food and not wanting what I have made. Finally I realize that I have to eat it before it goes bad. Yes I know I'm not the brightest. But that also explains my lack luster feeling towards cooking…or eating at set times. This will be the beginning. October's challenge will be looking for the cooking schools within the area to continue the process of cooking. You would think I can cook since I like to watch the cooking shows every now and then.

SIMPLIFYING MY HOME DÉCOR:

Seriously!?! You would think that with all the donations that I have done in the last year that I would have this under control. Nope. This IS a follow on to August's social challenge. Once most everything was packed I realized that some things I didn't miss and others I grabbed every chance I got. Oh in reference to the social experiment, no one really said anything to me. Quite surprising but then I guess everyone knows that I'm not all there sometimes. J This will be the final stage of my simplifying. Due to the social challenge I truly realized how many things are really fillers in my life. If time permits this month I will be able to schedule to goodwill pick up. Yeah!!!

MODIFICATION OF THE HOMES:

I've turned everything in. It's up the mortgage companies now on whether I will own two homes or one. I'm hoping to get some answers this month. Seriously, this has been more an emotional rollercoaster than I originally expected. So here's to getting answers.

ZAZEN:

Okay this has Nancy written all over it. But this is more than just trying zazen nightly. This is learning more on the Buddhist teachings and finding balance. I've only read one book and currently working on another. I'm not looking to become a Buddhist or anything like that. It's the balance that I seek. Being single has left me with nothing but focus on my career and my finances. I need to re-learn relaxing. So the zazen will be the beginning of this journey. (Zazen means seated mediation it's a said to take years to truly learn the benefit of zazen). http://www.dharma-rain.org/zazen/whatis.html

ROAD TRIPS:

I sit at home most weekends because I'm broke. This is a crappy excuse not to get out. So I plan on taking a map of estimating different driving distances for day and weekend trips. Once I have that I will blow it up and getting darts. Each month I will throw a dart and plan a trip around it. Keeping financial obligations in mind, I will determine if it's a day or weekend trip. In time I will break down and buy a real camera, until then my little crap camera works. This is spared with the zazen and the need to live. I have confined myself to the house and sit here watching everyone live their lives around me. I need to get out!! I highly doubt that the man of my dreams is going to knock on my door. My first road trip will be to Fort Benning, as a friend is graduating the Physician Assistant Program followed by driving down to South Florida for the remainder of Labor Day.


 
Just a little note:

Work is getting to me. Yes! Work not my career. The last couple of months have felt more like work than a career. I have over tasked myself with things to keep me occupied but that too has worn off. I think that the rainbow in all of this is that I'm finally realizing how life as pasted me by trying to reach a goal. My desire to become and Sergeant First Class (E-7) has consumed my last five years. I think I'm finally accepting that I will retire as a Staff Sergeant. So here I stand on moving my focus on to things around me that I can improve. I am official over my hunt for my E-7 over; as I will focus on a life after the military. Here's to going back to get a new degree.

TV Challenge

So I have decided to make a TV challenge for myself. So you know I've been an avid DirecTV with Tivo advocate for over 9 years. It started when I moved to Homestead and the job I had there had no set hours. The concept of being able to record TV shows was still new. Fast forward 9 years later. I have become accustomed to not watching shows when they are live. My Tivo system is on average 40-50% full at anytime. But lately I've noticed that some shows are getting half-ass recorded. Other times Mother Nature becomes a mother! So I'm stuck going online to watch the shows that I have missed.

So in January after switching to HD DirecTV, my bill moved to $95 for the Total Choice with local channels and HD. I'm spending $95 for what? My financial state is far from good right now and the realization that I'm spending $95 on something makes me rethink it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the HD channels the clarity is simply amazing. If you don't think so go to your local appliance store and ask them to put on a nature show in HD. You too will be hooked.

I digress, so back to the matter at hand with this TV challenge. I've heard of people watching TV from the computer. Heck I've read blogs on the topic. But the real questions are:

Is it worth it?                         What are the pros and cons?

How different will it make my current lifestyle?     So if I'm using the internet how does that affect my surfing speeds when I'm half-ass watching TV?

Will I still get HD quality?                 How the heck to watch sports?

What do I miss out on by switching?            Is it just easier to switch to Comcast?

What's the deal with sezmi or boxee?            What about Netflix?

 

 

As September begins phase 1 of this challenge will begin. I have decided to take this month to look at how much TV I really watch along with what I watch. I will attempt to create a pros and cons for my situation. So if you have any question or comments, please feel free to leave a comment or email me (if you have that). J And yes I will be looking for children's channels just because I want to know how some families are doing this.

 

Social Experiment: August 2010

Currently I’m experiencing a financial strain that like most American are encountering. As I enter mediation proceedings with the company trying to foreclose on my house during my modification, reality has hit. Though I have been told that they will not foreclose on the house until all modification attempts have been exhausted, I can’t help but wonder. What would it feel like to be told I only have three days to evacuate the dwelling? That’s when I realized: “I have a lot of stuff.” Stuff! Some of my things with emotional ties and others with monetary ties. I realize that some there’s no way for me to move out of this house by myself in three days. Does one person really need at three bedroom house? Probably not.

So as the month of August begins I will begin a social experiment. My experiment is an off shoot of a couple of my original Day Zero Project tasks.
#25 Organize and maintain the garage
#28 De-clutter my life
#43 Update clothes (donate the old ones)


So here’s how this experiment will work. Over the next few days I will pack up each of my rooms into moving boxes (the whole foreclosure issue). While the items are being packed I will be inventorying and cataloging everything. As each of the items is used it will be written down. Shortly after Labor Day I will be reviewing the items that were not used. I’m not throwing anything away until I know that I will not need it. No this will not be a “I might need it someday” thing.

So let’s take the pressure washer sitting in the garage. I use this twice a year. The question now is does someone I know have a pressure washer and what is the probability of using their pressure washer? How much would it cost to rent it for a weekend from one of those rental places? How much does it cost to get someone else to do it? Do I really need it? Looking at it would seem as a no brainer, I need it. In all actuality the answer is no. I have more than 4 friends that have pressure washer, who have all told me that I could use it. It cost $130 to rent for 2 days (which by the way was the cost of the pressure washer). As for getting someone to do it would cost $120 (this would cover the house, driveway and back patio). This is just one example. So in September, I will be putting the pressure washer up for sale on Craigslist. I will be telling people how I am living for the next month just to see reaction. It is my belief that people will look at this as a strange way to live. That "doesn't make sense", "why would you think that you have to much stuff? I have too much stuff." I believe that people will not look at their own possessions and self-evaluate their items but just demonize me for trying to control my surroundings. The only two other statements that I think I might hear is "when your done come do my house" or "really?"


My wanting to de-clutter my life has taken on a life of its own. Due to the fact that the current modification procedures go until November; I will be using that as my deadline. This should be interesting as I will be out of town for at three weeks during this period. Regardless of the outcome I will be able to say that I know what is in my house. I have been experimenting with downsizing for a couple of months but with the possibility of living accommodations changing I know have a drive.

My end state is to 1) know that I can move quickly if need be 2) have a truly complete home inventory to include a room by room breakdown 3) a more simplified home. One without the just in case items

September’s prelude: Of course I will be getting rid of the excess items. Whether it be craigslist or goodwill donation. This will be my last month to try and collect to money for the Race for the Cure in Tampa. Talk about crunch time. My first attempt at Day Zero Project tasks:
#3 Stop swearing for a whole month.
#11 the 100 push up challenge
#12 the 200 sit up challenge
#44 go a month without drinking sodas (I have opted to one up this and not drink caffeine products)
#73 Read at least 10 classic books (at least start)

Lastly I will be spending my internet time reviewing one topic for the whole month. August will be all about budgeting. This is to include understanding how I am spending; where I can trim the extra money from; reviewing my rewards programs and their benefits.

So here’s to social experimenting.

Truth ≈ Lies

What you do in life will have echo effects.

“I need you to tell the truth, even if it hurts.” Funny how we are all brought up on this standard. Yet few of us live up to this level of truth. Even you if you try someone will think you’re lying. Irony! We grow up trying to learn how to say something without hurting feelings. Really?! Isn’t this a nicer way to lie?
Why take so much time to lie? I’ve always thought it’s easier to only answer questions when posed to me. You may not like the answer that I give but it’s the honest truth. I’m not concerned if I hurt your feelings. I want believe the truth will set you free. That the truth will be the one thing people will find a true positive characteristic of your personality.
Recently I learned it doesn’t matter. I answered a question with honesty and was told it was a lie. A lie! A fucking lie. I tell you the truth and you look at the readings and tell me it’s a lie. Nice! Why tell the truth if it’s going to be considered a lie. Why look for honesty and integrity if it’s just a lie? Honesty is just a matter of opinion. Why look for truth? Is it really there or is it something that we want to believe? I don’t know any more.

My faith in truth has been shattered by a machine. My career goals of steeping forward and moving in a new direction has been crushed. For I told the truth and was told it was a lie. I told the truth and my integrity was considered false. I told the truth and a machine called me a liar. My life changing career goal was left to the results of a machine that said I’m lying. Now I see why people don’t believe in it.

Let me leave you with these quotes.

“Truth is the safest lie.” -Jewish proverb
“The honester the man, the wore the luck.” – John Ray
“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.” – Robert Frost
“To lose. Is to learn.” – Anon
“The significance of a man is not in what he attains but rather in what he longs to attain.” – Kahlil Gibran
....and with that said I bid you ado.