Silence

So here I sit trying to express myself. Here I sit in silence wondering if you know me. Then it dawns on me, I'm not saying anything. I'm listening but not saying anything. I start to talk, but what do I talk about. I'm quick with my smart remarks. I've always been good at smart remarks. Then I realize that this is just yet another mechanism to avoid the inevitable. I'm not an open book. The emotions run through my veins like the next person but I don't talk about them or express them. I'll smile and laugh it off. I don't talk about them. I'll change the topic, make a smart remark or act like I didn't just hear that. When I do try and talk about something that has filled me with emotion; I try and lightly the moment with a smart remark.

Do I tell you that you mean a lot to me? Do I tell you that I'm not in the mood? Do I tell you that I scared to death of dying alone in life? Do I tell you that I'm a hopeless romantic? Do I tell you that I don't know why I've never been a fan of large crowds because I have a fear of being trampled to death? Do I tell you that I love music for the lyrics and that's what drew me to different types of music growing up? Do I tell you that talking about basic 'natural' things makes me feel like everyone understands it, freaks me out? Do I tell you that I cry myself to sleep every February 9-10^th, since 2000? Do I tell you that I have a fear of hurting the one's that I love? Do I tell you that I hate living alone but would rather live alone than deal with having a roommate (though it would help me out financially)? Do I tell you that sometimes I buy dinner even though I know I shouldn't? Do I tell you that I can make remarks and talk about other people's sex lives but I'm still a giggling teenager when it comes to my own? Do I tell you I stopped casual shopping because I realize that I might be able to retire in eight years and if I continue I my current spend habits I will retire still in debt? Or do I tell you that I know that I will have to provide for my parents when the time comes, since I am the only child that still talks avidly talks to them. Do I tell you that I don't open up because inside I'm still a child and can't handle rejection? I have a thing for eyes? Do say I love love hugs! Yet feel awkward giving them?

So here I sit trying to come up with words to form a sentence. Dazed, confused, stand offish. So here I sit trying to express myself.